Snowboarding
Snowboarding Safety Tips (Also Known as “Hey, Jerkface”).
It’s tough to think about snowboarding these days. It’s close to 30 degrees celsius outside, the sun is shining, and it seems like it will never snow. Combine that with a new Xbox 360, and you have a recipe for not blogging.
But still, I need to soldier on, and talk about snowboarding…
Okay, so. Every fall, a litany of articles emerge advising folks what sort of precautions they should take to ensure they don’t hurt themselves on the slopes this year. This article is actually an interesting take on what is typically the same, tired content (stretch. Build your quads. Etcetera).
Anyway, I wanted to share a few tips with you from my own personal vault of safety:
- Barrel into the lineup areas as fast as possible, nearly hitting everyone in the process. Because we really need to see how good your dodging skills are, jerkface. (Usually, they’re not so good.) It’s amazing that those SLOW signs don’t apply to you!
- Drink beer on the lifts. It will make you faster, honest! (Jerkface.)
- Get in the singles line with all your jerkface buddies so you can get to the top faster. Because we can’t figure out you’re not strangers. Wait, you all KNOW each other? What a surprise!
- When you’re “skating” on your ride in the lift lineup, please, please bump into me as much as possible!! I love new scratches and holes in my snowboard, jerkface!
- Sit in the middle of the hill, just over a ridge, in order to smoke a cigarette (or even a joint, for you adventurous jerkfaces… yes, I’m talking to you. I’ve seen you hotboxing that gondola, buddy). Why? ’cause I love running blind into jerkfaces on my board. Thanks for that, yeah.
- Make giant ‘S’ turns directly across the hill, maximizing the chances of me running into your jerkface ass.
- Wristguards. Seriously.
- A helmet. Seriously.
Maybe I’m just cranky ’cause I can’t snowboard yet. Or maybe I’m just preparing for the jerkfaces ahead.
Cue the obligatory Bridger Bob safety video.
Have a good weekend!
Discussion
5 comments for “Snowboarding Safety Tips (Also Known as “Hey, Jerkface”).”
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dude i agree with almost all your comments, except one. i believe you have the wrong idea of the purpose of the singles line. you seem to take “singles” literally, thinking that it is designated only for groups of one, and it is a violation for groups of more than one person who know each other to get in that line. in actuality, the singles line is designed to maximize lift capacity, filling in extra spots on chairs that would otherwise go empty. with this in mind, it should not bother you that groups of more than one enter the singles line. this speeds up the lift line for EVERYONE, including yourself.
peace
Hmm. I had never thought of it that way. Good point.
Cheers,
adam
there is the occasional group of ass hats that will use the singles line to get to the “sorting area” more quickly and then reassemble their group to ride the lift together without waiting though, and in that instance your rant is justified.
I like to make giant S turns, its part of what I love about riding. control your speed and don’t smash into me from behind jerkface.
Nice